Does the annual onslaught of Christmas music turn you into a Grinch? Photo: Universal Studios The annual aural onslaught has begun.
Tis the season for consumptive glut, too many cookies and, of course, Christmas music. Love it or hate it or tune it out, it’s already blasting through stores across Canada, and it’s not even December yet.
Christmas time has become the season of the perpetual ear worm.
But not all festive ditties are created equal. Some are mind-numbingly annoying, while some lesser-known and off-beat tracks are just plain funny. In honour of the unofficial start to the holiday season (it’s the day after American Thanksgiving, and the elephant is nudging us) here’s a round of up the weirdest and most annoying Christmas tunes known to humankind — including one song we have officially dubbed “THE WORST.”
Author’s note: Please weigh in in the comments with your own most hated tunes, and let us know about any wacky ones we may have missed. And, if you are one of those rare beasts who loves all things yuletide, please offer your thoughts on the best holiday songs. We’ll round those up later in the season.
The annual annoyances
Some Christmas tunes are timeless in their irritation. These picks, as suggested by Canada.com staff and our readers online, are the perpetual offenders.
You know what kid, Santa does mind, and so do I. Ask for something normal.
Ok, a hoola-hoop isn’t any less annoying.
Nor are teeth. Perhaps just ditch the whole song-about-gifts thing. I though the season was about love and family?
This one is annoying for pure repetition
Another on the list for its sheer repetition. If you have ever worked retail at Christmas, you know how crazy this song can make you.
The weirdest tunes
There are some lesser-known holiday-themed songs our readers suggested that are just weird, wacky or bizarre.
Blue Christmas isn’t the best song to begin with, and the jury’s still out as to whether Porky Pig makes it worse or improves upon the crap.
Nothing says Christmas like racial stereotypes and a jaunty 1960s tune.
Oh look, more stereotypes.
Is Elmo promoting violence against women? This is just upsetting. But she drank too much egg nog, so she totally had it coming, right?
The not-so-subtle entendres
These tunes made the list because their hidden meanings are either offensive or the source of dinner-table debate every year.
This song is both annoying and confusing: is mommy mixing adultery with Christmas joy, or is that daddy dressed up as Santa Claus?
Ok, so the originally Eartha Kitt version of this song is pretty great, but it’s one of those songs that’s overplayed so often it’s become unbearable. Also, rent-cheque-writing sugar Santas are just so last century.
A lot of people have fond memories of this song, and it even won an Academy Award. Many have parsed its lyrics as a “date rape anthem” — but the original version as included above shows it’s meant to be sung by either gender, and could be more a tongue-in-cheek comment on premarital sex conventions of the time.
When pop stars invade the holidays
Whether it’s a wacky remake or a misguided charitable endeavor, these songs prove some celebrities should just take the holidays off. There are actually so many terrible carols from flailing popstars and those looking to make a quick buck, that this is a much shorter list than it could have been.
Justin Bieber ruins everything. Also, isn’t Maria Carey like old enough to be his mom? Creepy. (It should be noted, the traditional version of this song, as celebrated in Love Actually, is perfect.)
Last Christmas, I prayed you’d go away this year, Wham! But oh, you’re still here, and so is this terrible song.
Maybe Faith Hill can’t find Christmas because it’s avoiding being associated with this terrible song.
Band Aid is back this year, but the original has annoyed and befuddled for years. Yes, be thankful you get to enjoy all the excesses of Christmas in the West while others suffer: “Thank God, tonight’s it’s them instead of you.”
If you ever thought, hey, you know what Christmas needs? More 80s hair metal.
I WAS having a wonderful Christmas time until I heard this, Mr. McCartney.
Another former Beatles’ annoying tune that haunts us every year because the boomers still control everything. It’s also the perfect liberal guilt swoon: donate some change to alleviate your guilt. And then Celine Dion made it worse.
THE WORST
Not only is this song depressing, but it’s been described as “poverty porn.” We are not the first to name it to the top of our worst-Christmas-songs list, but hopefully we will be the last, if retailers and radio honchos would just heed our annual cries. Enough! Enough with the saccharine shopping story, I really don’t think those bloody shoes are going to help mommy once she’s dead. (The author has a personal disdain for this song, as the first time she heard it she was Christmas shopping for her mom who was fighting cancer at the time. Her mom won, but it’s another good reason to ditch the worst song ever: people who actually have sick loved ones don’t need to be reminded how sad that is at every turn.)
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