Thanks to the Tinders and Bumbles of the world, dating has never been easier. It’s easy to swipe left and right, easy to schedule hook-ups, easy to jump into a relationship and perhaps most importantly of all, it’s incredibly easy to get the hell out.
And so with the proliferation of dating apps comes the propagation of ghosting: the refined technique that involves ignoring every single text message, archaic phone call or unannounced (and honestly quite alarming) visit to your doorstep after you’ve decided that a person is, actually, not really someone you want to see again.
Maybe you didn’t click, maybe you had to fake it one too many times for them, maybe they looked too much like a parent, or maybe this was all just a hookup and it’s clear you’re in different places. While it would certainly be the kinder, mature and more civil thing to simply inform the person you aren’t interested, you know what’s even easier for you? Ghosting.
That doesn’t mean you should go on a heartless ghosting spree.
Early in the game, a disappearance act isn’t so bad. It’s unlikely that a rapport has been built up by the first date, and quite frankly, the other person’s feelings aren’t as consequential to you. Yes, this definitely makes you a jerk, but not as big of a jerk if you pull this magic act after the fourth date.
As the pull-out method of dating, ghosting will never be the most gracious thing to do, but if you follow the unspoken rules, it really is just a part of the game
If you’ve already met the parents, you, my friend, have long passed the moment an effortless disappearing act is acceptable. You’re not just letting down a single person at this point, but an entire family. And anyway, this person probably knows your preferred bagel shop by now, and could be liable to track you down. Not answering a text is one thing, but a face-to-face encounter will leave you with a sudden inability to form words much less reasonable excuses.
And if the object of your ghosting happens to be someone who is regularly in your life (think: work place, friend of a friend, your Starbucks barista, etc.), cuddle sessions or not, ghosting should not even enter your brain unless you’re considering leaving the country or faking your own death.
For those to whom ghosting’s reputation seems too unkind, an even more deplorable dating technique (and corresponding term) has popped up: benching. This slick maneuver involves a first date and not much else. You know, when that person you met messages you every few days to ask how your morning went? So considerate, right? What about when they ask you to lunch with a half-hour warning? Sweet gesture, yes? Or when they schedule drinks with you every week but have a habit of cancelling last minute because they’re always having car trouble? Disappointing, huh? No. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re being benched for later.
Related
- ‘I’d never text him back’: Why I’d ‘ghost’ President Barack Obama after a first date
- Is it okay to Google your date before you meet them?
Serial ghosters should be thankful for the new breed of benchers because sitting a sexual interest on the bench while you peruse for something “better” is really the lowest rung of the cold heart scale. But if you ever happen to find yourself playing second string, at least you know what to do: just ghost your bencher.
As the pull-out method of dating, ghosting will never be the most gracious thing to do, but if you follow the unspoken rules, it really is just a part of the game you’re choosing to play. After all, you may be the ghost today, but you may very well be ghosted tomorrow.
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